The tag line to the new “Dungeons & Dragons” movie states, “This is no game.” It isn’t much of a movie either, as a rudimentary plot and flat characters bog the film down so much it’s laughable.

        Dungeons & Dragons—the game that the movie is based upon—is the mother of all role-playing-games, and was created back in the day when such a game involved players sitting around, discussing what they were going to do, and then rolling dice to see if their “character” accomplished this feat. No fancy Final Fantasy graphics or catchy Legend of Zelda music—just you, your friends, some pens, paper and dice. It may sound dull, but it is actually much more exciting than this film. In role playing, you don’t know what is going to happen next, and the characters one can create are much more three-dimensional than the ones in this film.

        In the film, the young and idealistic Empress Savina, wants all her people to be equal—regardless of whether they are mage or commoner— and rules the Empire of Izmer. Of course the Council of Mages, led by the evil mage Profion, doesn’t want this change to happen, since they are happy with their elite social standing. Profion tricks the Council into thinking the Empress is unfit to wield her scepter—a golden artifact that can control golden dragons. Empress Savina knows that Profion would only use the scepter for death and destruction. Realizing that eventually she must turn over the scepter to Profion, she must seek out the Rod of Savrille, which can control the much more powerful red dragons.

Stay back or I'll...burn this map.

        Several young heroes get mixed into the plot, including a beautiful mage named Marina, who knows that Profion must not get the Rod, and two thieves named Ridley and Snails. Ridley is the main hero, while Snails is his skittish and annoying sidekick. A tough dwarf named Elwood and the Empress’s tracker, an elf named Norda, joins them. Thwarting the heroes is Profion's main henchman Damodar, leader of the Crimson Brigade. Can the heroes find the Rod of Savrille before it's too late?

        Or more specifically, would the audience care if they didn't? “Dungeons & Dragons” has few highlights and fewer surprises. The film has the whole look and feel of a made-for-TV movie; similar to something like Xena or Hercules, but twice as long and with a worse plot. Scenes that are meant to be exciting or tense aren't, because we already know what's going to happen. We've seen the same story told again and again, but with different characters going through the motions. But the boring, cliché story takes a back seat to the boring, unoriginal characters.

        While original characters in Hollywood movies are few and far between, “Dungeons & Dragons” should get an award for the amount of “Star Wars” rip-off characters it contains. While characters in the four “Star Wars” films are not the most original, at least they appear fresh. But the similarities between “Star Wars” characters and “D&D” characters are so overt, you wonder what director Courtney Solomon was thinking.

        The Empress Savina is so similar to Queen Amidala that it is nauseating; not only is she really young and pale, she wears fancy gowns similar to those worn by Amidala, and always whines about how concerned she is for her subjects. I'm surprised that she didn't denounce the Trade Federation too.

Damodar, Profion's main henchmen.

        The evil henchman Damodar is easily a Darth Vader wannabe, complete with black armor and cape (but no lightsaber). There's even an interrogation scene between him and the mage Marina—not unlike a similar scene in “Star Wars” between Darth Vader and Princess Leia. While a lightsaber might make Damodar a cooler villain, adding depth to his character might actually make him intimidating.

        And Snails (played by Marlon Wayans) is so annoying—in both his voice and his character—that one can't help but be reminded of Jar Jar Binks. I'm sure this is what the writers—Topper Lilien and Carroll Cartwright—had in mind. But after watching this film, I can honestly say that I would rather have Jar Jar as a main hero than Snails. Hell, after watching this film, I'd rather live with Jar Jar than Marlon Wayans (or any Wayans brother for that matter, with the possible exception of Damon). I could compare more characters, but that would only give away what might pass for a “big surprise” in this film.

        “Dungeons & Dragons” is low on plot, lame on characters and has little to do with the Dungeons & Dragons game, other than lots of dragons and a Beholder who has a bit part. Besides the Beholder, the movie could easily have been based upon Forgotten Realms or any of the numerous other fantasy-based role-playing games. Based on the ending, a sequel is imminent, but we can only hope that it would instead star a few kids in their basement rolling dice. At least that would be original.